Five years ago (on the 10th) you were born, 2 months early and amazing to everyone. You began your brave journey that very day and have been a fighter from the start. After only four hours of blow-by oxygen and a mere 9 days in the NICU, you came home. There hasn't been a dull moment since then!
You have had ambulance rides, CT Scans, surgery, a laundry list of medications...but every day you smile, and every day you light my life.
The first year after you were born I did a lot of writing, mostly poetry, to get my thoughts on paper. This is a letter that I wrote to the Little Man while he was still in the hospital, little did I know that this would be just the beginning to a crazy roller coaster ride that will not be disembarking any time soon:
Dear Little Man
You have had ambulance rides, CT Scans, surgery, a laundry list of medications...but every day you smile, and every day you light my life.
The first year after you were born I did a lot of writing, mostly poetry, to get my thoughts on paper. This is a letter that I wrote to the Little Man while he was still in the hospital, little did I know that this would be just the beginning to a crazy roller coaster ride that will not be disembarking any time soon:
Dear Little Man
March 15, 2002
I can’t believe how much you mean to me, I love you so much. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. I knew I was getting sick, that they were watching me closely, but I was not expecting our lives to turn out the way they did.
It started at my appointment on Thursday, February 28th when they admitted me to the hospital for the first time, I was scared for you, they told us there was only a 10% chance we would deliver you that night, everything just stopped, I couldn’t believe what was happening. They sent us home the next day but my blood pressure kept rising, we knew we were headed back.
On March 5th we were readmitted to the hospital – to stay. On Saturday I started feeling sick, my protein was rising, and my blood work was getting much worse. The doctors decided it was time, luckily you had already received your steroid injections. By this point, we were more prepared, but still had no idea what to expect for you. They started to induce that night but I kept getting sick, they resumed induction on Sunday morning, and here you are – my miracle. That’s the only way to describe you. You have amazed everyone, me and your daddy, your nurses, and even your doctor. I can’t even describe what I felt when I heard you cry – we didn’t know with your lungs if you would or not.
Daddy got to see you about an hour after you were born, so did Grandpa and Grammy, I got to see you a few hours later. I was scared, I didn’t know what to expect or how I would feel. I still think I was a little numb and don’t remember it very well and unfortunately I will never get that back. The next few days we just took it slow. So many feelings and questions – angry, guilty, and sad, feeling like it isn’t fair for you – your nurses know you better than me and you are new – you’re supposed to be held and loved, not just wrapped in a blanket and left by yourself. Holding you is so unnatural with all your wires, I don’t want to move you because I am afraid you’ll stop breathing.
Then there was the 14th. Daddy and I got to the hospital and you were sitting at the nurses station with your nurse. I recognized you immediately and you calmed down as soon as I held you. You didn’t have your wires hooked up – we were a real family for the first time! We held you for over an hour – it was amazing – you are amazing! I got to change your diaper – you were four days old and I had never changed you diaper before.
This isn’t how it is supposed to be, but it is how we were supposed to be. I have never felt as close to anyone as I do to you and your daddy now. Thank you for coming to us as perfect as you are. You’ll be home soon and we can all get on with our life together. You are my miracle.
Love,
Your Mommy
I can’t believe how much you mean to me, I love you so much. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. I knew I was getting sick, that they were watching me closely, but I was not expecting our lives to turn out the way they did.
It started at my appointment on Thursday, February 28th when they admitted me to the hospital for the first time, I was scared for you, they told us there was only a 10% chance we would deliver you that night, everything just stopped, I couldn’t believe what was happening. They sent us home the next day but my blood pressure kept rising, we knew we were headed back.
On March 5th we were readmitted to the hospital – to stay. On Saturday I started feeling sick, my protein was rising, and my blood work was getting much worse. The doctors decided it was time, luckily you had already received your steroid injections. By this point, we were more prepared, but still had no idea what to expect for you. They started to induce that night but I kept getting sick, they resumed induction on Sunday morning, and here you are – my miracle. That’s the only way to describe you. You have amazed everyone, me and your daddy, your nurses, and even your doctor. I can’t even describe what I felt when I heard you cry – we didn’t know with your lungs if you would or not.
Daddy got to see you about an hour after you were born, so did Grandpa and Grammy, I got to see you a few hours later. I was scared, I didn’t know what to expect or how I would feel. I still think I was a little numb and don’t remember it very well and unfortunately I will never get that back. The next few days we just took it slow. So many feelings and questions – angry, guilty, and sad, feeling like it isn’t fair for you – your nurses know you better than me and you are new – you’re supposed to be held and loved, not just wrapped in a blanket and left by yourself. Holding you is so unnatural with all your wires, I don’t want to move you because I am afraid you’ll stop breathing.
Then there was the 14th. Daddy and I got to the hospital and you were sitting at the nurses station with your nurse. I recognized you immediately and you calmed down as soon as I held you. You didn’t have your wires hooked up – we were a real family for the first time! We held you for over an hour – it was amazing – you are amazing! I got to change your diaper – you were four days old and I had never changed you diaper before.
This isn’t how it is supposed to be, but it is how we were supposed to be. I have never felt as close to anyone as I do to you and your daddy now. Thank you for coming to us as perfect as you are. You’ll be home soon and we can all get on with our life together. You are my miracle.
Love,
Your Mommy
Happy Birthday Baby! I can't believe it's only been five years. I can't imagine my life without you in it, not for a single second. You mean the world to me. I love you more today than the day you were born.
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