Happy Mother's Day...to the Little Man.

I remember the day I took a positive pregnancy test and the intense fear and joy that came over me all at the same time. There was a little person growing inside of me, I could ask for nothing more - that was the joy, the miracle, the instant love that I had for this being that mere moments before I didn't even know existed. Then there was the fear, the fear of the unknown - what would the future hold for it, would it be a boy and if so - how do you raise a boy, and of course - how do I raise this thing and make sure that it knows that I love it and that every choice is made for it.

I remember the day that the Little Man was born, 8 weeks early, and the intense fear, the fear of the unknown - was he okay, was he breathing, how long would he be in the hospital. And I remember the love - the first time that I honestly understood the phrase "love hurts", because it does. I have never felt a love so strong that I could physically feel the weight of it in my chest.

I remember the day we left the hospital, his father and I, and left him there. I remember the love - the pain and strength that it took to leave him in the care of strangers. And the intense fear, the fear of the unknown - not knowing how this would play out and if he would really be okay.

I remember the first day I had to medicate him for bipolar. I remember the love - the tears that fell as I questioned whether or not we were doing the right thing. I remember the fear, the fear of the unknown as I questioned whether or not we were doing the right thing.

I remember last Monday, when he was admitted - at 6 years old, to the psychiatric hospital. I remember the intense love - as I nearly passed out after they took my child away from me, the pain and strength that it took to leave him in the care of strangers yet again. I remember the fear - the fear of the unknown, as I again have no idea what the future will hold for him. Not just the future 10 years down the road, but the future 10 days down the road. As new diagnoses are tossed around I am left loving him for the brave soul that he has become, and in fear of how this adds yet another challenge to his world.

Little Man, this Mother's Day - I want nothing more than for you to know you are loved. My one wish for your future is that you never question the love that I have for you. Again, we are navigating this wild rollercoaster of ups and downs - you have my love, my support, you fill me with a sense of pride that words can't describe.

As I see you there, in the hospital this Mother's Day, I don't see a boy with problems - I see my baby, my baby who needs help brushing his teeth, who still twists his Transformer undies when he puts them on, who still takes baths and needs his mommy to wash his hair. If I could take this all away from you, I would, but I know (and pray that someday you will too) that this is what is best for you right now. I hope that someday you understand why I can't take you home right now, why you need to be there, and that it's because of that intense love I have for you that I am able to resist the urge to scoop you up in my arms and run away with you when you cry and beg me to take you home.

Little Man - Happy Mother's Day, not to me, but to you, because this is what being a mother is all about and to see your smile again, is the best thing I could ever ask for. I love you, baby.