Visit...Part 2, and other things

Ooops...so much for the blog - has it really been 3 1/2 months since I last posted??? I know you were all just dying for an update because you have nothing better to do than to live vicariously through me.

First and foremost - the visit. The Little Man and his father did see eachother Thanksgiving weekend and it went well. It was odd, being together - as a family. At one point we were asked "and what does your wife do?" On the outside we looked like your typical, run of the mill family - little do the outsiders know it was a court ordered supervised visit.

At first sight I would have loved to see the running, the embrasing, and the tears; none of which happened. I did speak with Daddy-O beforehand and request that if the Little Man mentioned the need to use the restroom that he not offer to accompany him. No need for me to get wrapped up in any negligence cases. We went to the local science museum and the boys played their hearts out, then we went out to lunch and the anxiety got the better of the Little Man and he spent the entire meal laying on my lap on the bench. The anticipation of good-bye was just too much for him.

Since that visit there has been one other - a surprise visit, well planned out by his father and I, but surprise in case he couldn't make it for one reason or another. That visit was pretty wonderful but The Little Man couldn't fight back the tears after driving away - in opposite directions. It really is a lot to expect of a small child who now loses his father over, and over again.

The father and I had a long discussion that night, many tears, lots of heart ache. I'm having trouble getting past loving the man - the man I married, not the one I divorced. He's dating, which is a whole mess of crap for another time. I could stomp my foot and yell that it isn't fair but really I don't have any desire to date for a good long time. My pretend world has us conversing by phone until the Little Man is 18 and then seeing what happens after that. My reality is that he asked me the other day not to arrange any visits for awhile because he's not doing well - ie: don't offer any visits because I'm scared I might harm the Little Man, or you, or both. I know he's going through a hard time, the worst since June 10, 2006; and he's fighting a losing battle convincing himself to keep on living. Every minute of every hour of every day is a challenge right now. He asked me what I wanted him to do - I told him that I can't make that call for him, but that I support any decision he makes. I couldn't imagine living day in and day out with the pain that he does. I can't wrap my brain around it at all. All I can do is be there and to support, and I'm all he has since I'm the only one he'll share with.

Well...that got more in depth than I anticipated; and I'm shocked at the speed of which I whipped that out. Anyway, I'll try not to stray so long between posts from here on out - though that may be easier said than done since I start SCHOOL in mere weeks!!!