Making Sense of it All

Today will be a short entry, not a whole lot to say on the matter but I am in shock, I am saddened, and I have all sorts of undealt with emotions from the past 4 years spinning wildly through my head.

Yesterday I found out that a child in my class (a third grader - I'm now teaching Kindergarten and School Age) lost her father this week. When I was first told that her father had passed away I was in disbelief; as the story continued I went numb, and many scenarios played out in my mind.

He was an alcoholic who hadn't drank for some time, he was depressed and taking medications, and he slipped up. He was an active father - he played Captain Jack Sparrow at his daughters Kindergarten Graduation last June, he picked her up from school on Tuesday, and now he's gone.

The past four years, supporting my ex-husband through multiple psychiatric hospital stays, suicide attempts, locking up medications, knives, plastic bags...I have played this out in my head a thousand times. I can count too often the moments of walking in to the front door with a blanket over the Little Man's head in fear of what may face us on the other side of the door.

Through the years I have collected things of his - his badge from the fire department, a baseball hat (he always wears one), a t-shirt; things that I have saved for the Little Man so that one day he can have them. I have planned and prepared phsyically, but not emotionally. This family is now living one of my worst nightmares and nothing can prep you for that.

Wednesday I will attend the funeral. I will represent our school but I will also be doing it for myself. This will be the final piece of the puzzle that I can play in an attempt to prepare myself for what is a real possibility for our future and especially that of the Little Man. I may need counseling when I'm done, but I feel that this is important for me, I need to do this, I need to be a part of the final step of this journey. I hope and pray that our exit comes soon, sooner than later, right now though - we're on the same freeway as this family. My ex-husband faces these challenges still, on a daily basis and if things don't change soon, it will be a matter of when, not if.

Please keep this family in your prayers.